(5 year Anniversary)
Moment by Moment
by Jenifer Conkright (Teaching Mentor)
by Jenifer Conkright (Teaching Mentor)
As I sat in my office in our basement this morning, I heard
the sounds of my husband at work in his office directly above me. My husband has been traveling quite a bit
recently and I stopped working to revel in the sounds of his presence. As I sunk down into the comfort of the
familiar sounds, I thought to myself, “I. LOVE. THAT. MAN.” (Yes, I thought it just like that – in caps
with the periods in between each word.)
I’m sharing that moment with you because that experience of over-the-top,
head-over-heels love is nothing short of a miracle. It is also a perfect real-life example of the
phrase I shared with you all at the last MOPS meeting, “The moments will add
up.” As I thought about my love and appreciation for my husband, I realized
that this phrase applies not only to parenting, but to marriage as well. We didn’t just magically arrive at this place
in our marriage one day. If you would have caught a glimpse into our
relationship at many points along the way, you would have felt very safe
betting your monthly grocery budget on the fact that our marriage would not
survive. The change happened one moment
at a time.
Although my husband and I began our relationship as a couple
who was very much in love, through the years we faced many challenges that
caused a lot of stress, distance and pain.
Sometimes there were “big” problems that had a “big” fallout that seemed
to take weeks, months or years to repair, but often it was the small daily
moments of disconnection or discontentment that eventually added up to
mountains of despair and loneliness. I
would begin those seasons thinking, “I hate this.” Unfortunately, sometimes,
somewhere along the line, I would unconsciously change the wording from “I hate
this” to “I hate it when he does this” to “I hate him.” That’s a hard thing to admit, especially in
writing, but I have a feeling that some of you reading this may have also found
yourselves in that place as well. For
those of you who have not been in that place and can’t imagine ever being there,
please, sweet friends, be vigilant in keeping those words from your thoughts
and vocabulary. They are dangerous and
damaging.
I allowed the pain, hurt, and anger to add up one moment at
a time. I kept track. I kept track of the careless words, the
disappointments, the painful memories. I
will be honest, those hurts were real – I wasn’t blowing them out of proportion. But what it took me a very long time to
realize was that I was building a wall of isolation, one brick at a time. I was constructing a wall of memories that
kept me from experiencing the kind of connection I longed for. That wall was blocking me from seeing the
very human, very frustrated, very wonderful man who longed to be able to start
each day with a fresh new beginning.
God’s love and the truth that I found in His love letter,
the Bible, is what gave me the wisdom, courage and energy to tear down that
wall. It takes energy to love, hope and
forgive doesn’t it? I am so thankful
that we don’t have to do it in our own strength. With God’s help, I began to gather new
moments to construct a different kind of wall that surrounds and protects our
marriage. Moments of patience, hope,
faith, and awareness of my own weaknesses have added up through the years. The choices that we make each moment, each
hour, each lonely night or joy-filled day will determine what kind of wall will
be left standing at the end of our years.
So, after 30 years together, do we always walk around with
glazed over, lovey-dovey eyes? Is it
always easy to live life as two individuals who are somehow mysteriously joined
as one? Nope, it’s not always easy; but I can tell you that it is easier.
It is easier to love, to struggle, to connect, to forgive and to begin
again when we can stand together and gaze at the mountain-sized wall that 30
years of love-filled moments has built.
Sweet ones, please know I am aware that many of you are
standing in the pain-filled place where I have stood many times through the
years. One person cannot force another
to make healthy, loving choices. I can’t
guarantee that your choice to love will transform your marriage into the relationship
of your dreams. I can promise you that
your choice to love will transform your heart and fill your life with great
peace while you live, love, wait, hope and pray. My heart is with you. God’s heart is with you. He knows your pain and stands ready to bring
you the comfort and courage that made such a difference to me. Life is messy. Love is messy. That’s o.k.
When we hang on to hope and hang in there through the mess, character is
deepened, hearts are filled, and precious memories are made.
No matter where we are on our marriage journey, one thing is
true for each one of us - life never stops. Each day is filled with experiences
that bring us to a point of decision – will I be one who keeps track of the
pain or the potential? Dear friends, I
urge you with all my heart, search for and savor the potential. Choose each day
to love, to forgive, to hope, to believe, to connect. The moments will add up.
(Christmas of 2012)
Prayer Hotline: Have a prayer need? Please send it to: prayer4mops@gmail.com
